I wrote today’s post yesterday afternoon in a quick 30 minutes, fingers flying and Hubby quietly watching in disbelief. He had rather sternly suggested that I rest and perhaps not publish anything for a few days. I sat still for a minute, a new habit of mine and tried to consider his opinion, another new habit. My heart started pounding and I felt the burning feeling in my core or “chi” a word that’s been popping into my head the past few weeks. I had looked up what the meaning of “chi” was a few days earlier, and I am reading and quoting from that internet article right now….”Chi is that which differentiates a corpse from a live human being. An additional quote, “A strong life force makes a human being totally alive, alert and present while a weak force results in sluggishness and fatigue. You can increase and develop chi to overcome illness, become more vibrant and enhance mental capacity.” Wow, pretty interesting, huh? My “chi” has been amazingly more vibrant, so much so that I haven’t learned to set boundaries and keep pushing people aside. This was some kind advice from my neighborhood pastor just yesterday afternoon, recommending that I seek some spiritual counseling from our church’s pastoral care unit. I had contacted them a few weeks before my surgery, trying to plan for the possibility that this upcoming surgery might cause some mental and emotional problems for me. I also was struggling with some personal issues with my mom, leaving me convinced that she needed some counseling, but also knowing that I did too, I had a lot of demons that were starting to surround me. After emailing back and forth with the young woman from the PVC pastoral care department of our church, I concluded that I needed both spiritual counseling as well as help from another therapist who works with grief healing, as a result of the memories that were coming up to the surface. I realized just yesterday morning when talking with my hubby, that I had been bullied and taunted by little kids who unknowingly added more scars to my heavy heart, from kindergarten through 6th grade. The worst memory that came to the surface was that I had been bullied in high school by my sophomore female PE teacher by making me feel uncomfortable about my weight. A lot to handle these days since my Re-birth, but I wasn’t sad, I was filled with happiness I had survived by being an intelligent young girl who would grow to become a very driven and strong-willed woman, capable of dealing with divorce when her kids were still toddlers, the birth and death of my youngest son who was profoundly mentally retarded, the death of my sweet Grandma in 1993, and within two years, the death of a special Dad at the too young age of 59. In my Journey, I want to share my joy to anyone who will half-way listen to me, even though I have made people uncomfortable with the “new me. I need to set up boundaries and not push people away from me during this vulnerable time.. The Lord is providing guidance to this new inexperienced Christian who blathers on too much at times about the joy in my life. But there will be people who question your sanity, or wonder if it is caused by the surgery. Early this morning I saw a text come into the Hubby’s I-phone from his sister, a therapist most of her life.. She texted him” ‘Remember that she’s hearing voices. Can you ask her if the voices are inside her head or outside.” Normally I would have been angry, the old “logical, left-brained woman”, but instead I started laughing and texted back from my phone, “they aren’t like actual voices that we normally think of…it’s the feeling I get inside my core, or “chi”” . During my joyous times, my core feels really warm and comfortable. Similar to what my niece recently described as ” Getting a big warm hug from my inside rather than from the outside.” Even the hubby still looks a bit skeptical at me from time to time, even suggesting last week during my manic writing marathon, that perhaps I should ask my surgeon if this is to be expected after an arduous surgery like mine. I didn’t say much because my surgeon wouldn’t have the answers, only The Lord sitting beside me every day. OK, so not literally or physically sitting beside me, just a warm hug in my body. New Christians face difficult circumstances as they try to present their new, joyful face to their family and friends. Is it a test from The Lord, as it is written many times in the Bible? I like to think that it is the Devil trying to make things so difficult that I will revert back to my old comfortable ways and make my family feel more comfortable to be with me. Persecution is part of being a Christian, and it sure isn’t Sunshine and Lollipops.
Praise the Lord of My Life.