Kiss and Tell

Anyone who says they are only looking for a casual friend or companion on an online dating site is lying. We are all on these sites to find someone to love, whether for a fling, like many men seem to want, or a long term relationship which women seem to want. . We are discovering something new about ourselves; our ability to love again, and all the hidden feelings that have been buried for many years.

When I was young and innocent, sex was a word never said in my house, one that was avoided at all costs and never discussed in any way, shape or matter. I was told that guys don’t respect girls that “sleep around,” or “why would a guy buy the cow when he can get the milk for free” or “save yourself for your husband.” Such clever statements that effectively put the fear of sex in me.

I dutifully followed the parental advice and was a virgin on my wedding night to my first husband. Hours later, laying in a room at the local Ramada Inn, music pulsing loudly from the live band below, the new hubby had rolled over and was fast asleep. I laid there quietly wondering what all the fuss had been about sex. It was disgusting and painful. I was softly crying and wishing I had not gotten married if there were going to be more nights like this.

During the next decade, it was just part of our hum-drum routine; get ready and go to work, fix dinner, go to bed, “do the deed” and fall asleep…..not one firework, not even a spark.

The next man in my life was my only partner for 34 years and while exciting at the start, the fire slowly died down. Why does this happen? Do we get bored, do we stop making any extra efforts, and just get caught up in life? Then the kissing and handholding starts slipping away and eventually all forms of intimacy are gone forever.

Sex is something that you just don’t talk about with other people, sitting in a Starbucks, asking various personal questions, just as you would talk about what type of pizza is your favorite. One of the most critical components of a relationship is never discussed, never updated or recharged like our Apple I-phones, and eventually it isn’t even placed at the top of our “fun things to do this week.”

The stories I have heard from my dating buddies are all the same….the wife never wanted sex, had a headache, was too tired, and a million other reasons that contributed to their marriage wreck. In truth, I believe that the blame is on both the man and the woman. They both give up, roll away from each other at night, never cuddle and stop being intimate.

So how do we awaken those desires, stoke the fires, and bring excitement and intimacy back? The online dating scene throws out all the rules we lived by when we were young and exposes us to a thrilling new world of sensuality. There are women whose profile pictures show lots of cleavage, guys that are shirtless, showing their muscled hairy chests and bulging biceps. It’s like a billboard flashing by, selling sexuality, and full of potential partners trying to catch our attention.

Sex, is an important part of a healthy and happy lifestyle and is completely different for each and every single person on earth. Sex, like music, triggers the ” sin center” in our brain where dopamine is produced, making us feel warm and relaxed. It can transform us into magical beings, free from the daily rat race, helping us escape from our text crazy world, and allows us to share special moments with someone we love. It should be at the top of our “To Do List” and receive as much attention after 30 years of marriage as in the first few years. It will change…it will mellow…but it can improve with age, just like a good bottle of wine.

You know, I finally understand what all the fuss was about. There truly are things I like about getting older.

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