God Has a Plan

“”Hard truths can be dealt with, triumphed over, but lies will destroy your soul.”

I was sitting in church one morning, listening to a message based on one of the Ten Commandments “Thou Shall Not Lie.” Suddenly my mind lit up like a pinball machine, firing on all circuits, those little silver balls spinning through my brain. My fingers couldn’t write fast enough to keep up with the disturbing thoughts that were bottled up in my head. Why were so many people around me telling lies? Little tiny lies that meant nothing. Just harmful lies that would eventually lead to destruction, hate and death.

Lying is nothing new. It’s been a part of society since the beginning of time. In some countries, lying was handled quite easily.  If you lied, you died. The first sin in this world involved a lie told to Eve; “It’s alright to eat that big red juicy apple,” Satan said to her. Well, you saw how well that turned out for her and the rest of humanity. The Ten Commandments that were given to Moses on stone tablets include “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16). There are numerous mentions of how liars was treated in the Bible but as time evolved and Egypt became more civilized, they would just cut off your nose and ears. Maybe not quite as bad as death, but pretty awful if you ask me.

So why am I writing about lying? I started a new career and formed a new company called Financial Security 101 just weeks ago. My life mission is to help people understand how money works. Me and over 200,000 other financial advisors in the country.  But I like to believe that I have a different viewpoint on life. One of my own. My life story. A story full of success and failure, happiness and sorrow.

I had a son who was born profoundly mentally retarded and never developed beyond two months of age. His father turned away from him and his little brother, not able to deal with a son who could never carry on his name. I struggled alone in public housing for a year and then desperately married a man that could never fully love my boys or me. He himself had a horrible childhood, being sexually abused by a close relative who controlled his life and eventually helped him commit suicide. How can someone that has been destroyed by someone he loved and trusted, ever want to love others or trust that others would truly love him. I do not hate him for leaving me so many times. I love the little boy who’s heart was broken and was lied to all of his life. The lies came to truth just weeks before he died and he could not live with those dirty, ugly truths.

I sunk into a dark abyss after the divorce, so alone and missing my husband of 34 years. The family, both my side and his, assumed that I caused the divorce and then the suicide.  How awful it was to not only lose my husband, but all of my family. After his suicide, my small family realized that the demons inside of him, along with the woman that abused him drove him crazy causing the divorce and his death. We are now healing, but the deep wounds from them not believing in me will never go away. I use my faith in God to help me understand why my family and friends would have believed his lies. He was good at lying and had done it all his life to protect himself from his sorrows.

I was raised to tell the truth. I can’t even remember how I learned this and my immediate family was not free of lying, but they were good and admirable people. My family showed me the world, always traveling even if we didn’t have any money. They just borrowed money every year, paid it back during the next twelve months and borrowed again the next summer. They had little extra money even though both my parents worked. My grandma lived with us and served as my mother until she died at around age 90. I still think of how we quietly stood next to each other making Valentine cookies the weekend before she slipped on a hanger, broke her hip and quietly died 4 months later.

My hero and beloved father died about 1 1/2 years later. I cannot remember him every lying to me over the years, the truth was hard but so much better for a child who was developing a soul and a heart.

My mom was suddenly an orphan and a widow, alone in a home for the first time in her life. We butted heads without having my grandma and dad around. It was like learning a new dance with both of us having two left feet. We have struggled ever since, 24 long and hard years filled with love and discord. It wasn’t until the last few weeks that we became a true mom and daughter. She told me to pursue a relationship with someone that had some demons to struggle with, who I loved with all my heart and was ready to do anything for. She said that at 63, we should live life to the fullest, not be afraid of what other’s might think and hold on tight, never giving up on my love. I listened to her like I was a young child, and reached out, giving my heart away in a flash. I am so glad I listened to her. I am in love and have never been treated with so much love, respect and admiration.

Our love is based on truth…hurtful and dark that spans over half his life. We both have had our families turn away, we both lost our sons, we lost our pride and humility and more importantly, we lost our way. We are chipping away at the past, cutting cords and building a relationship unlike any I have ever seen with other people. If I died today, I would die happy and in love.

What destroys our lives are lies. Lies will destroy your soul. It killed my former husband, a sweet and gentle man who only trusted animals who would never hurt him or turn away. Lies almost destroyed my relationship with my family and my former husband’s family. Everyone believed that he was an angel, worshipped him on an alter, free of any of the guilt of divorce or marital problems. No one understood that his entire life was full of lies about his son and grandson that he never recognized as his own during his life. Now the woman that abused him and lied to him, will inherit everything that we had built together as a loving couple trying to scrap out a living in a difficult life. Our marriage was consumed with taking care of a disabled young son, helping my other son grapple with the loss of his father who was unable to cope with the grim future of my baby.

Truth is the only thing that has saved me from my struggles. The truth that life is hard, unbelievable hard but it is always filled with hope. Maybe just a spark of light in the forest so dark and filled with things that go bump in the night. I never questioned why my sweet baby’s life was so blighted and not filled with the joys of riding a bike or playing ball. I knew that God had a plan. I never questioned why God took my hero’s, my dad and grandma, at a point in my life where I needed them the most. I knew that God had a plan. I never questioned why my mom and I struggled to have a strong mother and daughter relationship. I knew that God had a plan. I never questioned why my husband left me four times, and finally the last time with his suicide. I knew that God had a plan. I never question why my surviving son and I have a hit and miss relationship. I know that God has a plan. 

Why I have I finally found true love? Why I am now so passionate about helping people understand about their money? I know that God has a plan. A plan that is based on truth, not lies. The truth no matter how ugly it can get.

“Hard truths can be dealt with, triumphed over, but lies will destroy your soul.”

 

 

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